Deep breath. I have made a fucking executive decision! I have decided to embrace my loneliness, take it in and feel it. I have decided to fucking BE LONELY. We are always fighting it, pushing away from it, clinging to something that keeps it the hell away. Part of being human, part of being whole, is feeling it all; the joy, the connections, the sad, and the lonely. When I fight loneliness, I cling like a needy teenage bitch. I find myself searching for something, something to grab on to. I feel myself longing for that feeling of connection. It doesn’t even have to be healthy for me. It doesn’t even have to make me feel good…it just has to make me feel fucking connected. Even a thread of a connection is fine when you are trying to pull yourself out of Lonely's clutch. Just a finger on it, just a sense of it can make the world of difference when you are running away from Lonely.
Who is Lonely? What exactly does he have for me that is so damn ugly, so vile, that I would allow myself to continue a relationship with “Mr. Gift,” a man that is too scared to love me? If I make a choice to let Lonely in, maybe I won’t hold on so tightly to the closest rope that can pull me out of his grasp.
So, today, I have made the decision to invite Lonely for a visit. Just a visit, a “get-to-know-you” visit. Just the thought of letting the asshole into my world scares me. I feel a pulling in my gut all the way up to my chest; fear. It is a process though, something you really should plan out, make a decision to do and then prepare for. If you just let Lonely run the fuck in, top speed, well you’re more likely to get scared and shut the door, add some locks, and wedge a chair under the handle. No, you must prepare for Lonely. Therefore, I did a little studying and reading. I Googled Lonely to get an idea of what he looks like. Is he really as ugly as I have heard, as my gut fears? I understand that he brings with him Separateness, Insecurity, and Rejection. I hear Anxiety and Hopelessness are pals of his as well, but I’ve already met them and I’m not that impressed. Anxiety is a bitch and the last time I saw Hopelessness, I told her to kiss my “hard-as-a-rock” ass (Barbie has shown me a few exercises).
Welcome, Lonely.
I put out a fucking balloon on my mailbox. I am welcoming Lonely right in. I can’t wait to show him the house, my pretty, sweet home. I wonder what that would do to him, since it really is the opposite of Lonely!
It’s later in the evening now, about a few hours later. Gift (aka… “Mr. Gift”) has not reached out to me, no rescue lines have been dropped. I am here with Lonely in my bed. He’s just lying there, really not doing anything; not very impressive. Interesting how his lack of movement, just his presence can make me feel uneasy. I wonder if he’s comfortable.
Song Suggestion for the day: Dido's "Honestly Ok" from No Angel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt670GlzAGw&feature=related to listen.
~g
