They Burn Coming Out

Been wanting to “blog." Have had a friend nagging me to “blog” (thank you C). Have a lot to say that’s very “blog-a-licious.” However, I haven’t gotten around to it. Why you ask? As I am sure all you sad mother fuckers are thinking as you are sitting at your computers during the day, wishing your preschoolers would actually for 1 fucking second shut the fuck up (very few of you would admit it out loud, but you’re thinking it). OR…it’s night time and you’re enjoying a quiet moment with your wine, or Corona with 2 limes, and praying to the mothering gods above that those humans you bore out of vagina would fall asleep (which fucking burned…not falling asleep, pushing a human out of your vagina. And it not just hurt…it burned…why the hell don’t they describe it like that? It burns when they come out and NO ONE has the nerve to tell you. Why? I tell! I tell! And when my precious apple dumpling is 17 years old and asks me why I am saying "NO," to… anything, I will tell him as well, “Because I am your mother and you not only hurt me coming out, but you BURNED me, Baby. That’s why it’s no.”) Hmmm, tangent, I’m going off on one. As I was saying, the question at hand, at least for C, is why? I’ve tried to explain it. Although I think I might just be using the usual excuses. You know…SOOOOO busy with the kids, and the house, oh…and the laundry. Or maybe it’s the excuse, I’ve been so run down, tired, I have my period…a little hormonal? I just might be lazy. You know, cleaning, paying bills, getting a divorce, taking care of my son who has been diagnosed with…”something that affects his learning.” The usual excuses we ALL use for putting things off. I have tried the ridiculous excuse of financial insecurity, the need to sell my home, and the fear of becoming homeless and poor to explain to C why I haven’t written…or should I say blogged. I mean how silly of me to be concerned about bearing my soul, my personal experiences with my divorce, and my difficulties dealing with my very difficult, yet very beautiful "gift-of- a-son," while I am in the middle of a divorce? Silly, worrier!

So, here I am…blogging for all of you to read and enjoy. I have to admit that my life right now, although very scary at times, is exciting and I am surprisingly “content.” Don’t get me wrong, there is about 1-2 times a week that I have an actual panic attack, feel a "burning" throughout my body, and frequently (although it is decreasing in quantity) I will stop and say to myself….”WHAT THE FUCK?!?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! You’re doing WHAT?!?! Divorce…a divorce? From a good man, a good father? What the FUCK are you thinking?” Then I actually come back to reality and remember…I want to live a real life, an honest life, a life of integrity, and I want to do exactly what my mother always said, “take care of yourself. NEVER rely on a man or anyone else to take care of you!”

Now, I am sounding so strong, the epitome of feminism. You must all be VERY impressed with me. I mean that last line was poetic and inspiring. But don’t let me fool you, I am literally waiting by the phone for my…yes…”boyfriend” to call. Now, let me make this very clear, he is by NO MEANS the reason for my divorce. Through all this ridiculous, fucking, sad, horrible, draining, bullshit, I have been given a gift. I don’t know why this beautiful person has come to me. Might be that I have FUCKING EARNED IT, but he has and I am grateful. The only problem is, as I have told him, it is fucking with my “feminism” and my “I don’t need anyone” mentality that I have been nurturing for many, many years. So, here I am eagerly waiting to hear his voice and wanting to end this blog so I can hopefully have a beautiful conversation with a sexy, loving man that makes me feel like a woman. I only pray that I don't get "burned." That might hurt so much more than the delivery.

He has called…I shall run…but not too fast…I still have some respect for my independence. Will continue…yes to my supportive friend C, I will continue again soon.

Song Suggestion for the day: India.Aire’s "There’s Hope" from Testimony, Vol. 1: Life & Relationship

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NHjUEdiebE to listen to song and watch video!
~G

Random vent, of sorts

Ok, so this may be the wine speaking. But, please tell me I am not the only one out there that doesn't feel "content". It's so frustrating! I have a great family, great husband, wonderful house, fun life. I have no child constantly "milking" at my breast. The little "roll" around my middle is almost un-noticeable (especially with the duct-tape around it). They play together. Nicely, even. Hell, the oldest can even dress herself and brush her own teeth. I can go out with my husband at almost a whims notice (granted we can find a babysitter, which is a hot commodity these days). But, overall, things are good. Maybe it's that the girls are getting older and more self-sufficient. Maybe it's because my "baby" is going to preschool in the fall. I'm not sure what it is, but all of a sudden, I just feel like I "need more". I'm also at a point where I feel "that more" means it's time to start financially contributing to the family again. For awhile, I was thinking that meant that we should have another baby. But to be honest, I just don't know if I want to put myself through that again. Fine, call me selfish. I don't care. But until you experience the effects of pregnancy and post-partum depression, you have no right to form any sort of impression of my life.
Other than that little aspect of un-contentment (is that a word?) in my life, I'M SO HAPPY! That's a great feeling! Yes, there are things I'd like to change. But overall, I'm happy. Ahhh, I feel better already.
But I do think I want to go back to school. Won't hubby be happy to hear this? We only have $4000 left in school loans to pay off (unlike the quarter-of-a-mil that one of my best friends has, fresh out of law school). Poor guy.
-C